isn't it punny? this is dedicated to my son, who just looooves puns!

i would like to apologize in advance for the following:

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.*

*The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.*

*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.*

*Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.*

*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.*

*When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.*

*The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.*

*A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.*

*A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.*

*Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.*

*We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.*

*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.*

*The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.*

*The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.*

*The dead batteries were given out free of charge.*

*If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.*

*A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.*

*What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)*

*A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.*

*Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.*

*A dyslexic poet writes inverse.*

*In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.*

*A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.*

*If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.*

*With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.*

*Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A –flat miner.*

*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.*

*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.*

*A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France ; the result: Linoleum blown apart.*

*You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.*

*He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.*

*A calendar's days are numbered.*

*A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.*

*A boiled egg is hard to beat.*

*He had a photographic memory which was never developed.*

*A plateau is a high form of flattery.*

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.*

*When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.*

*When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.*

*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.*

*Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.*

*Acupuncture: a jab well done. *