a way with words?

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedlyanswer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted byproctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation withYiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn byJewish men.

and:- ANNUAL STYLE INVITATIONAL CONTEST

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers totake any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, orchanging one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and theperson who doesn't get it.

5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are runninglate.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all thesereally bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it'slike, a serious bummer.

9 .Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the dayconsuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you'veaccidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in thefruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

15. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

a litle bit of perspective

i also got this one from a friend, who was kind enough to allow me to share it.

thanks, T!

I believe-That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe-That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe-That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-That you should always leave others with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I believe-That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe-That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe-That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe-That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe-That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it. But it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; Just wait for it to grow in their heart. But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile. Because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

an old cowboy's advice

got this from a friend, who kindly allowed me to share it.

thanks, R!

the ones in red are the ones that meant the most to me.

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered..not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Life is good.....Enjoy"

for ryan

sometimes it seems like all we ever hear about today's kids is the bad stuff.

well, here's a little something different, and i'm proud to say this "something" has to do with my nephew.

yesterday at a family christmas gathering, this boy, my 10 3/4 year old nephew, (can't forget the "3/4"!) greeted me the moment i stepped out of my car with a christmas card, and the sentiments expressed within, in my opinion, totally conveyed the spirit of the season.

altho the words were written in pencil, and therefore can't be easily seen (at least not with my camera..or maybe it's my eyes?), the "gift" he gave is easily recognizable.

here's what he wrote inside:

Hope you all enjoy your Christmas. I wish I could give something else, but this is the best I could do.

Enjoy, R.M.M.

i am just so damn proud.

and, altho he's almost 11, he's still willing to give his auntie a hug.

what a guy. :)

smells and memories

when i was a kid, we used to travel to my grandparents house just about every christmas.

this was (at the time) an almost 3 hour drive, and on christmas morning, we weren't too enthused about riding all that way, when all we wanted to do was play with our new stuff!

but, mom and dad said we had to, so off we went.

when we got there, the first thing i noticed was the smell. you know how all homes have their own certain smell.

i loved the way their house smelled!

and there was a homemade santa claus pillow that ma ma always kept on the sofa. whether she was the one who made it, i have no idea. i remember this, cuz whenever i'd sit down there, i'd cuddle with it. it wasn't anything fancy, or even particularly cute, but it was soft and comfortable to cuddle with, so i was ok with that.

years have passed since then, and ma ma and pa pa are both gone now...ma ma for about 13 years, and pa pa for just under that. somehow, since that time, this little santa pillow found its way into my home.

every year at this time, when the boxes come down from the attic, and the kids are pulling stuff out of them to decorate, i aways reach first for this pillow, and bury my nose deeply into it and give it a big 'ol sniff. cuz it still smelled like their house.

until last year.

the smell had been gradually fading away, almost to the point that i couldn't smell it anymore, and then last year...nothing.

i was surprised to find how disappointed this made me feel. something was gone - the smell of my grandparents house - that i'd never be able to get back.

2006: the boxes came down from the attic, the kids started opening them, and...without even realizing what i was doing, i reached for santa.

and sniffed deeply.

and...

I COULD SMELL THEIR HOUSE!

it was wonderful...just like i remembered. maybe it was kinda like some sorta small christmas miracle? ok, maybe not...but it was real nice all the same.

if anyone needs me, i'll be on the couch, sniffing my pillow.

in praise of older women

this was written by one Frank Kaiser, whoever he is.

One of the perks of dufferdom is an increased capacity to appreciate people. Friends. Spouses. And, for me, women. All women.
When I was 20, I had eyes only for girls my age. Any woman over 30 was ancient, over 40 invisible.
Today, at 70, I still appreciate the 20-year-old for her youthful looks, vigor, and (occasional) sweet innocence.
But I equally enjoy women of my own age and beyond, and every age in between. I've learned that each has its own special wonders, attractions, magic and beauty.
As I grow in age, I value mature ladies most of all. Here are just a few of the reasons senior men sing the praises of older women:
An older woman knows how to smile with such brightness and truth, old men stagger.
An older woman will never ask out of the blue, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman's been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God!
And yes, once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart!
Her libido's stronger.
Her fear of pregnancy's gone.
Her appreciation of experienced lovemaking is honed and reciprocal.
And she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to!)
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, fearing that you might think worse of her. An older woman doesn't give a damn.
An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "long-term commitments." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are sublime. They seldom contemplate having a shouting match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive dinner. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness. They're generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A young woman often snarls with distrust when "her guy" is with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. Like your mother, they always know.
Yes, we geezers praise older women for a multitude of reasons. These are but a few.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 75 there's a bald, paunchy relic with his yellow pants belted at his armpits making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for my fellow geezers. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to enjoy and appreciate the exquisite woman you've become. Without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and whining his way into your serenity.

of snakes and boys, part 2

last nite it was a centipede in my purse.

he still blames his sister.